Week 57: Calling the Toon


This week's contest: Who are these people, and what are they doing? Explain one, or more than one. First Prize Winner gets an authentic Rotting Skull, a magician's prop valued at $ 30. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 57, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via the Internet at this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wonders if anyone might come up with a term for Style Invitational Plagiarists, morons who submit as original entries things they heard elsewhere, like on Garry Moore in 1971. To wit, if Kaye Ballard married Sirhan Sirhan, she would become Kaye Sirhan Sirhan. Best term for these morons wins a Jinx Remover candle. Send entries to "Idiot Terms," The Style Invitational etc. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 54, in which we asked you to come up with comical names resulting from marriage or other collaborations. 

Our favorite entry violated the rules of the contest, and so doesn't win anything, but George Chase of Alexandria should be flogged for the following: A special police unit has been formed to clear prostitutes from the trees and bushes south of the White House. It is called "The Whore-Force Men of the Park Ellipse."

Fifth Runner-Up: If Fairchild Communications merged with Honeywell International, the new company would be called Fairwell-Honeychild. (Dennis Skoff, Sterling)

Fourth Runner-Up: If former athletes Jim Kiick and Don Aase ran together for president and vice president, they would be the Kiick-Aase ticket. (Scott Warner, Hagerstown)

Third Runner-Up: If Judith Light married and divorced, in succession, Terry Waite, Joseph Cotten and Richard Gere, she would be Judith Light Waite Cotten Gere. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown, Md.)

Second Runner-Up: If the daughter of mimeograph magnate A.B. Dick married the son of designer Edith Head, she would probably keep her maiden name. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; also,Paul Styrene, Olney)

First Runner-Up: If Picabo Street broke her leg and needed intensive care, you could mail get-well cards to "Picabo, I.C.U." (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring; also, Bill Rubacky, Germantown)

And the winner of the framed painting by Rembrandt or possibly one of his lesser students:

If singer Wynonna Judd married and divorced, in succcession, Chinese film director John Woo, former interior secretary James Watt, Rep. Bob Weir, comedian Ed Wynn, former hockey star Gordie Howe, the father of figure skater Katarina Witt and ABC correspondent Brit Hume, she would become Wy Woo Watt Weir Wynn Howe Witt-Hume. (Paul Sabourin, Greenbelt)

Honorable Mentions

If Heidi Fleiss married C. Everett Koop, she'd be Heidi Fleiss Koop. (Mary Cronin Cherry, Fairfax)

If Sybil Leek married and divorced, in succession, Paul Simon, Zubin Mehta, I.M. Pei, Thomas Mann, Gale Gordon, Edward Tudor and Jamie Farr, she'd be Sybil Simon Mehta Pei Mann Gordon Tudor Farr. (George H. Chase, Alexandria)

If Hillary Rodham married Bill Clinton, she would remain Hillary Rodham unless her husband ran for governor of a conservative state. (Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring)

If Jay North and Adam West wrote a book about Oliver North, they could call it "North," by North/West. (Gloria Mehrtens, Huntingtown)

If Queen Latifah married Michael Farraday, she'd be Queen Farraday. (Annie, Ben, Sandy and David Tevelin, Burke)

If Marlene Chalmers married Jack Kent Cooke, she'd be Mrs. Marlene Chalmers. (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

If Mother Teresa had married L. Ron Hubbard, she'd be Old Mother Hubbard. (Jill Roessner, Washington)

If Estelle Getty married Mad Magazine's David Berg, they would live at the Getty-Berg address. (Alex Robbins, Bethesda)

If Mama Cass had married John Donne, divorced him and married Alexander Ptolemy, we'd get Mama Donne Ptolemy. (Al Hattal, Potomac)

The law firm of Alan Alda, Jake Garn, Herbert Haft, Robin Weir and Gennifer Flowers would be Weir, Haft, Alda, Flowers, Garn. (Jan Verrey, Arlington)

If Aldrich Ames married Anita Hill and call their son McKinley, it would be making a mountain out of a mole-Hill. (Steven King, Alexandria)

Okay, Tippi Hedren, Keanu Reeves and Twyla Tharp star in a movie, right? It does great, so they make a sequel. You with me so far? So the sequel is billed as "Tippi, Keanu & Twyla, II" (Bob Leszczak, Burtonsville)

If Julia Roberts left Lyle Lovett for Bobby Orr, then divorced him and married Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt, she would be Julia Lovett Orr Leavitt. (Kimbra Morris, Harrisonburg, Va.)

If Al Capp and Al Pacino were rubbed out in a mob hit, you would have Iced Capp-Pacino. (Preston Williams, Alexandria)

If you crossed Frank Sinatra ... maybe that's not such a good idea. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

And Last:

If Chuck Smith married an employee of The Washington Post, we'd all be ecstatic. (Meghan Meyer, Olney)

Next Week: Moral Loopholes